Emptiness

Before I sicken myself further in the process of trying to come to terms with this mass murder, here I will (progressively) dump the thoughts that have been eating at me the past two days.

Things I have in common with Cho Seung Hui

• Asian


• Male


• Immigrant parents (he was first generation, I was second, born here)


• Grew up in the South


• English major

All this amounts to is that, on the surface, we both faced the same set of circumstances growing up, and the way we dealt with these "cards" made us who we are/were. For those who can't imagine what this means, let me suggest a one significant factor.

The Immigrant's Dilemma
Pick one:

The reality created by your parents at home

or

the world you face when you get dropped off to go to school

This is the dilemma faced by every first and second generation immigrant. Do you hold on to the values of your motherland, or do you embrace the values of the land to which you have come? For children of immigrant parents this is particularly difficult. The motherland is a distant memory compared to the overwhelming power of the here and now.

Who am I? Seung Hui asks himself. Where do I fit? In one world,

• Grades are a matter of life or death


• Filial piety is paramount (if you don't understand what this means, you probably aren't of this world)


• Self-expression is not important or encouraged


• Personal happiness is secondary to academic/financial success


• Sex? Forget about it.


• Dating is not even an option (it'll happen after you're rich)


• Studying is the only thing you should be doing with your time outside of school


• Friends are fine, as long as they are not miscreants and they do not interfere with your studies

In addition to this obvious desire to make your parents happy, is the fact that they have sacrificed everything to get you the opportunity to succeed in this beautiful country (mei guo). The path has been laid out for you before you were even born.

There is a price for embracing this path, however. You will be ridiculed (for having good grades, for studying all the time, for looking different, for wearing dorky clothes, for having an idiotic haircut, for not having any social skills). You will be emasculated. Your ego will be crushed on a daily basis. You might die without ever having sex.

The world outside taunts you
Middle America: a world and a worldview reinforced daily on television and in the social battlefield of the classroom and the schoolyard. It is a world you can only hope to be accepted in. You have, after all, been dealt the worst possible cards for survival in a world that is:

• Muscular


• Highly sexed


• Violent, aggressive


• Emotive


• Christian


• Righteous

I hear you, whispering about me. I see how you look at me. I will not open my mouth to respond. Instead, I will respond with violence. You make fun of my voice, of what I say, of how I say it? I will learn your language and twist it with vengeance to release my wrath.

Regardless of your race or ethnicity, in every human being's genetic material is the desire to survive, to fit into the collective, to do whatever it takes to achieve security. His seething rage overruled this primary instinct.

Everything that has surfaced about him convinces me that he was empty, that's the only word I can find to describe it.

I can see him not speaking to anyone, knowing that if he opened his mouth to speak, his bile would spill out uncontrollably. So he shut his mouth tight, and vomited, first, onto the page, in his room, alone, and later, in the world outside, he would perform his final act of expulsion.