The Longest Yard

V. got us into the New York premiere, and well, let's just say I would never seen this movie otherwise unless I was strapped into a chair in a cylindrical tube hurtling 30,000 feet above the earth AND I was bored out of my skull. I mean, the original was decent, as football movies go, and I am, after all, a closet sports freak. So I enjoyed the movie, as I would enjoy downing a tub of popcorn slathered in butter, feeling a little nauseous afterwards and picking the crap out of my teeth for the rest of the night.

We sat next to Michael Irvin, who looked like he flew straight from his crib in Dallas in his sweatpants and long-ass t-shirt, carrying his "Michael Irvin" autographed football safety object. Adam Sandler sat all mopey in the back after talking to John Turturro. Many other celebs and stars in the movie abounded. As I squeezed out of my seat to run to the bathroom to pee, I ran right by Chris Rock, to whom I said nothing for fear I would literally pee in my pants.

The movie itself: a repurposed script, a cast primarily of non-actors/ex-athletes, tons of product placement. Tons. I mean, the fact that it was a re-purposed script probably made it easier for Adam Sandler (Executive Producer) to just hand it over to McDonald's and say, here! Change whatever lines you want! Hell, you can even have an entire character!

And lo, we have "Cheeseburger Eddie", played by Terry Crews, who can only be described as a walking McDonald's ad masquerading as a character. Cheeseburger Eddie is an inmate who smuggles McDonald's cheeseburgers into the prison, and pulls them endlessly out of his pants throughout the movie. Literally every single word out of his mouth has some reference to a McDonald's product ("That's Baby Back!" is one of his faves). This, ladies and gentlemen, is what we've come to.

Oh, and I can't even believe they put in the clap-clap routine (you know, the one where they're trying to make you feel all tingly inside by having one person start to clap deliberately and slow, and then another person joins in, and then another, until the entire room or team or whatever is clapping together and oh my god, I think I'm going to cry...). I don't even think it was tongue-in-cheek. I know, I know, it's Adam Sandler, but I actually think they were actually trying to do it for real!